The correct way to roll toilet paper, and why anal sex is disgusting.

If you roll your toilet paper ‘over’ instead of ‘under’, you’re doing it wrong. I don’t say this out of subjective sentiment, but out of pure logic. Put frankly, if you roll your toilet paper overhand, you’ve lived as a second-class citizen your entire life, and you’d be better served using old newspaper than your fancily quilted Kleenex. In fact, the only thing more frustrating than people who roll their toilet paper overhand are those who finish a roll only to leave a fresh one sitting on top, forgoing the five seconds of courtesy required to actually replace the empty roll with the one already in their hands.

Lifehacker had a recent post on this very subject, and some of the responses are nothing short of hilarious. Going by the comments it seems that some people who roll toilet paper overhand do so out of sheer laziness. For example:

When the roll is backwards, the paper hangs down against the wall, probably 4 inches FURTHER away [4 inches?!?!]. To place that precious tissue any further away than necessary results in a possibly dangerous and definitely precarious lean, lifting the buttocks further off the seat and risking leakage or even tumbling to the floor…with even more serious leakage issues.

If toilet paper itself were nothing more than a flat sheet of paper, and were equal in appearance and texture on both sides, the over-vs-under debate would be infinitely more subjective. In that case there would be no correct way of using toilet paper, as the only notable difference would be the place from which it rolls. Unfortunately for the overhand apologists, this is not the case. Toilet paper is perfumed, patterned, and quilted, and the latter two features should, at least to the sensible mind, settle the debate for the rest of eternity.

A roll of toilet paper placed in the correct underhand position.

A roll of toilet paper placed in the correct underhand fashion.

Taking the above image as a prime example, consider that the softest side of the toilet paper is the side most exposed to us visually. As this roll has been correctly placed in the underhand fashion, when it is folded the softest side will continue to face outwards, resulting in a more pleasurable experience during its use. If this were not important nobody would care about double and triple quilting. And since we are making buying decisions based on quilting, which also affects the price, should we not be maximising its use? Using the flatter side of the toilet paper is as wasteful as it is thoughtless, and doing so should be a strict offence, like letting water run needlessly, and stalking little children.

If that’s not convincing enough, consider that the patterns on toilet paper actually serve a purpose, particularly on coloured and decorated (as opposed to generically quilted) toilet paper. The point of decorating toilet paper is not simply to enhance the Feng Shui of your bathroom, but to better camouflage the results of its use. Few people enjoy looking at used toilet paper, and while decorating and perfuming it has a rather minimal effect, it does mitigate the grossness. Rolling toilet paper overhand leaves one with a deservedly unmitigated and visually displeasing experience.

Ultimately the most important thing to consider is the intention of the manufacturers, as they know toilet paper better than the rest of us. It is no accident that the softest part of the toilet paper is also the part that is decorated. Judging by its softness and colourful exterior, the outside of toilet paper is clearly the part manufactured for use, and it follows that toilet paper should always be placed in an underhand fashion.

Which leads me to …

If you had shit on your hand – would you be satisfied with just wiping it off with paper?
(an argument made in favour of using wet wipes)

This is quite true, as faeces is one of the most repulsive things that we have to cope with as humans. It is unhygienic, it smells bad, and it is generally something we wish we didn’t have to deal with. For the majority of people, getting faeces on their hands makes washing it off an absolute priority, and with good reason.

So why are we unhappy with getting faeces on our hands, yet we are willing to place our genitalia directly at the source? It’s not okay to get it on your skin, yet it’s okay to place your favourite body part inches deep in it, provided it gives you sexual pleasure? How does this not disgust you? What the fuck are you thinking?! How in the hell can you find the thought of it exciting?!?

I can see the counter-arguments coming already. There will be data about the number of bacteria found in female genitalia, and arguments as to how oral sex is terribly unhygienic, but nothing, and I mean NOTHING can be more unhygienic or filthier both psychologically and physically than activities involving faeces. You wouldn’t go in to a sewer and splash about naked, yet you’d stick your penis in one if it felt good? And this makes sense to you how?

The real problem with anal sex is exactly in line with the rest of humanity’s problems, in that we are selfish. We allow ourselves to become irrational in the face of impure desire. Our minds seek this sexual frontier, so the logic which would normally ring bells of disgust suddenly becomes an afterthought, and we roll with what feels good, not with what is good. Maybe placing your penis where faeces is expelled feels good to you, but I can’t envision for the life of me how it is good.

Anal sex is disgusting, and if you enjoy it you seriously need to evaluate your own degree of self-centredness, and the extent to which you let yourself be overcome by your desires.

35 Responses to “The correct way to roll toilet paper, and why anal sex is disgusting.”

  1. Amm
    October 17, 2013 at 3:30 PM #

    In the same way you find anal sex abhorrent, imagine how a homosexual man or woman feels about the opposite. Can you imagine being a homosexual woman who is presented with a giant penis when what she naturally desires is a female? Or a homosexual man who is presented with the prospect of being intimate with a vagina?

    You sunk to a new low with this one, dude. Seriously, you should self examine before writing blogs about toilet paper and how sickening anal sex is. Use that energy to improve the world instead of expressing your disgust as a homophobic man. It is called selective watering. Water the positive seeds and make them grow. Spend more time doing that than you do complaining about homosexuals, toilet paper issues, and your personal disgust with almost everything around you and life might start looking better for you and those whose lives you cross.

    • Toma
      October 17, 2013 at 4:00 PM #

      Who said anything about homosexuals?

      • Miss Paula
        December 24, 2013 at 10:52 AM #

        Hahah good one. You said not a word about homosexuals.

  2. SLee
    October 18, 2013 at 10:37 AM #

    You REALLY need to find a constructive hobby. Seriously, man.

    • A Fellow Human Being
      October 21, 2013 at 12:08 AM #

      Toma, you’ve got to be a troll. There is no way you’re serious. None. I have too much hope in humanity to believe that this article (or anything you write, really) is even remotely serious. But let’s pretend you ARE serious.

      Sexual preferences are just that – preferences.

      Just because you are disgusted by anal sex does not mean that it’s a bad thing. In fact, I wager that if you had someone pleasure you anally you would be singing a whole different tune. For men, anal sex is actually extremely pleasurable because of the direct access to the prostate glands which, if massaged or stimulated, can make ya feel pretty darn good.

      So long as you are practicing safe sexual hygiene, there’s nothing wrong with anal sex. It’s completely safe.

      Not wanting to have anal sex is fine. Wanting to have anal sex is fine. Sex is about intimacy, love, feeling good, and so many other things.

      Here’s the next thing I need to address: having sex is not an inherently selfish act. Rape is a selfish act.

      What’s more selfless than wanting to please your partner? And even if a sexual act is more about pleasing yourself, what’s wrong with that?

      I don’t know why you think the way you do, but I kind of wonder if you might be autistic.

  3. Joel
    October 24, 2013 at 1:30 PM #

    Is this a joke? Are you really expecting people to take you seriously? We’re you drunk or high when you wrote this thing? Is this the sort of thing you spend valuable time writing about when you could actually be doing something positive for the world?

    If the thought of anal sex and toilet paper being hung the wrong way bother you so intensely then maybe you should consider getting a fun and interesting hobby (as the person above mentioned).

    I loathe mushrooms. Cooked, raw, whatever. I think they are pretty disgusting on every level and have had violent reactions to them upon consumption. But I DO understand that we all have our own tastes, likes, dislikes, preferences and so on. To each his own! Some cultures and individuals feast on tongue, earthworms, sushi, raw meat… Are they selfish because they enjoy such foods when others find them repulsive? My God, you are one judgmental son of a bitch! Get a fucking hobby! Help bring people together with kindness instead of bitching and moaning and making harsh self serving judgments.

    • Toma
      October 24, 2013 at 2:16 PM #

      I agree with you that ‘disgusting’ is very much a matter of perspective, but it’s safe to say that faeces is universally (or at least close to) repulsive. One example.

      I’ve received a lot of emails about this post, and all of them have been negative. I think I should set things straight by saying that I wrote this how I intended to, and I am seriously happy that nobody enjoys reading it. It’s an uncomfortable read, and that’s the point. People don’t like reading about it but they like doing it?!? There is an immeasurable double-standard at play, not to mention a deep hypocrisy on the part of many.

      You think I have wasted my time writing this article? Then you haven’t understood it. Or me.

      • Arjana
        October 24, 2013 at 3:32 PM #

        Sushi is much more disgusting than anal sex in my opinion! Your description of anal sex didn’t make my stomach turn at all, even though you tried so hard to scare people. (You really tried to work it, didn’t you?) But the place down the street that smells like raw fish sure did a number on me!

        I understand you, Toma. Don’t feel isolated. I understand that you need attention and do things for the sake of shock value. You are only human. It’s okay. Forgive yourself and learn from your actions. No biggie:)

      • khanlee1971
        January 14, 2014 at 3:01 AM #

        I agree with the whole post. Hang the roll under, and avoid poop. I find it amusing that the people suggesting you do something more positive with your time are taking the time to comment on your post. Pots and kettles, I think. Thanks for the post.

  4. BZR
    October 24, 2013 at 2:19 PM #

    Dude did you really write this? Some weird shit! I like my toilet paper rolled the other way where the front is over the top. Is that bad of me? I don’t do anal sex but I guess it’s okay for other people if they like it. Doesn’t Hirt anyone else and can’t get people pregnant right?? :) It’s just personal taste just like everythng else I guess. Like I love seaweed (I know weird soundi g but it tastes really good to me) and my girlfriend hates it and thinks its disgust g that I would eat something like that. She makes fun of me for it and laughs at me when I eat it bit she still loves me anyway. At least I think she does anyway haha!

  5. gaib
    October 24, 2013 at 2:48 PM #

    If you judge people, you have no time to love them. ~ Mother Theresa

    We can never judge the life of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It’s one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it’s another to think that yours is the only path. ~ Paulo Coelho

    • Toma
      October 24, 2013 at 2:54 PM #

      Don’t confuse believing that something is wrong with judgement. Telling someone that anal sex is bad is not the same as telling them that they are bad.

  6. gaib
    October 24, 2013 at 3:18 PM #

    Oh, I wasn’t confused at all.

  7. BluMoon
    October 25, 2013 at 10:19 AM #

    sex is a VERY personal thing, toma. We all have our preferences and individual tastes. Sme things don’t “work” for some couples that work beautifully for another. Why try so hard to convince others to dislike what you dislike or vice versa? It shows a lack of respect for other people and their individuality.

    When I first learned about the birds and the bees as a kid I was pretty grossed out for a long time. For the sake of both genders! Why would a man want to put his penis in something that discharges blood? And why would a woman want a thing that excretes urine and semen in her body? Eventually I grew out of it and I enjoy sex as an adult.

    It isn’t your description of anal sex that disturbs me, by the way. It is your indignant and self righteous nature.

    And I have a solution to your seemingly overwhelming issue with anal sex repulsion. If you don’t like the idea of it, then simply choose not to do it! Problem solved.

    • Toma
      November 6, 2013 at 1:13 PM #

      What you call individuality, I call subjectivity. Truth lies in universal objectivity.

      • Alex
        April 1, 2014 at 4:45 PM #

        Not everything is universally objective. People are not all exactly the same.

  8. DaveW
    October 25, 2013 at 1:44 PM #

    I guess I’m just not clear on your intentions with this article? I mean, I just don’t understand the point. Was it to just bitch and moan about toilet paper and things that you find icky or was it to try to convince people to stop having anal sex and hanging toilet paper the way they might prefer it? How is your life improving shawl adamantly pronouncing your hatred or disgust of a sexual act that is being performed by others in a consentual and non harmful way? Wy not bitch about rape instead? You seem to do a lot of complaining on your postings. Does it get you anywhere?

    Do your family and friends tend to find you exhausting? Just curious.

    • Toma
      November 6, 2013 at 1:31 PM #

      At times, most definitely, and I’m well aware of it. I tend to bitch about things which are not universally accepted as bad. With the exception of some seriously depraved people, rape does not qualify. While anal sex may not be hurting anyone directly, I believe that everything we do permeates the world we live in. Even the most seemingly harmless acts can be a gateway to greater evil. No matter how small the act, objective morality matters.

  9. Nick
    October 29, 2013 at 3:31 PM #

    Something is morally wrong when it essentially serves as nothing more than a vehicle to satisfy one’s inclinations, urges and pleasures, which is true of a lot of things, including, but obviously not limited, to the topic of this article.
    Unfortunately, Toma, I doubt that this article will persuade most people of its titular assertion, for the very reason that for most of it, (with the exception of the last two paragraphs where I think you really get to the heart of the matter) you are attempting to make rational arguments as to why something is morally wrong. However, as we both know, arguments and rationality can be used to justify absolutely anything, when the person’s “happiness” or “pleasure” or “well-being” is the focus of the argument. “Murdering turtles is okay because it will make me feel happy which is good for me and my well-being” is equally valid to “Murdering turtles is not okay because I might get Salmonella from touching them which would be bad for me and my well-being.”
    And thus the argument of whether murdering turtles is right or wrong will never be definitively won by either side because both sides are arguing in the context of the individual, and the argument is essentially a waste of time.

    For a random analogy: think if the individual cells in our bodies were anthropomorphic and could think talk to one another. Now let’s say that a few cells in the glands of the colon have decided that they’re sick of they’re jobs. They decide to multiply, and grow fat, and travel to places they’ve never been allowed to before. They are, of course, cancer. Now the other, benign cells tell them about this thing called the human body, that encompasses them all, and is beyond their comprehension, but whom they should serve and live their lives based around, and that they should stop their behavior The malignant cells laugh, and demand proof which the benign cells are unable to provide, then they go on their merry way, spread, and live out their lives until poor Mrs. Jones dies of Stage IV adenocarcinoma of the colon.
    Most significantly, nothing the benign cells could have said would have changed their minds, because this argument is not about right or wrong; it is about value. The malignant cells value themselves and their own judgment; they judge the benign cells’ claims as irrelevant and judge the happiness they would get from doing what they want as superior to the insignificant (to them) chance that the benign cells’ claims might be true. And thus, ultimately any and all arguments that the benign cells make to them about “right” and “wrong” are irrelevant.

    The real point I’m trying to make is that no amount of arguing about the morality or disgustingness of anal sex, or anything, for that matter, will change anyone’s minds because such arguments are inherently tied to and framed in the context of the individual, and so such arguments are ultimately irrelevant; and true morality requires a context beyond the individual. This requires a change in what a person values, which no argument can change if what the person ultimately values above all else is himself; and so persuading someone who values his “pursuit of happiness” above all else that anal sex is wrong is as futile as those benign cells trying to persuade the malignant ones that jumping into blood vessels and setting up shop in the liver and brain and lungs is a really bad idea.

    Maybe all of this was a subtler point of your article, since again, I see that you state clearly that the true problem is human selfishness, but sadly, I doubt that most of the people reading it will see it rather than being “offended” for you “judging” them.

    Anyway, don’t mean to be a downer, just my thoughts on the matter.

    • LaedyRose
      December 31, 2013 at 7:52 PM #

      I would argue that something is morally wrong when it hurts someone or someones, possibly even yourself, non-human organisms, or one’s God(s). An action that is done for the greater good (however one may define it) may rectify that moral wrong, but the core of the wrong is the fact that it was hurtful. I would think that there is a great deal of grey area as to who it is wrong to hurt, how wrong it is, and what greater good is necessary to rectify that hurt. For the cancer analogy, if cells are rapidly reproducing and putting a strain on the host organism, that is usually bad, but it is usually good if those rapidly growing cells are a fetus. I use “good” and “bad” because I just realized another aspect of moral wrong: the capacity to realize that one is hurting others. Neither cancer nor fetus has that capacity. It’s debatable whether ignorance=lack of capacity, and when.

      I realized something else. If the only person one is potentially hurting with anal sex is themselves and/or their partner (some would argue their God; I would not), and both have decided that the pleasure is more than worth the potential contamination (much smaller risk when using a condom), then how could the act be morally wrong? The only reason would be if they believed their God(s) would be hurt. Most would not.

      • LaedyRose
        December 31, 2013 at 7:55 PM #

        To be clear, when I said “yourself” I meant “oneself”.

  10. Magdalena
    November 4, 2013 at 11:35 AM #

    I was about to start sobbing and maybe break my promise and cut myself when I read your articles on depression just being selfish, but now I’m actually smiling and even laughing for the first time in a long time.
    You’re a grown man. You can do things with your life. You can make a difference. You aren’t held back by your mother or your age.
    Instead, you’re sitting at a computer somewhere, writing about toilet paper.
    I’m a 15 year old girl. I SUFFER from depression, social anxiety disorder, eating disorder not otherwise specified, suicidal ideation, and self harm (cutting). And before you say anything, I’m Catholic and the fact that I do this and it hurts God so much is really painful, but I’m fucking addicted and I can’t stop.
    I can barely summon up the strength to smile sometimes, yet I sit at my computer from 7 am to 2 am, writing to people like myself on tumblr. I have talked people out of suicide many times. Sometimes, the same people multiple times. I have helped people get the help they need. At the very least, I have made depressed people smile. Which is a pretty big deal.
    I’d call you pathetic, but I know what it’s like to feel horrible and I would never wish it upon anyone, which is why I never say mean things to people no matter how cruel and ignorant the things they say are or how much they’ve hurt me.
    I feel better now. So thank you for that. I don’t know what’s funnier: the idea that you’re just a troll or the idea that you actually mean all of this. I think the second one. Thanks again for the laugh and for helping me keep my promise.

    • Jason
      December 21, 2013 at 3:30 PM #

      You people are insane the author makes a good point, and anal sex is nasty we were not made for that

    • Mister Ghosty
      July 14, 2014 at 5:39 PM #

      Hey Mag. I hope you’re still safe. This guy says some pretty obnoxiously opinionated stuff, not really seeming to care or even comphrehend the effects it could have (does have) on people. I’m really glad you were able to laugh at this awful douchebaggery, and I’m hoping you stay safe.

      Also. I’m glad you are able to help people out and recieve help on tumblr, but for the most part I would stay FAR FAR FAR FAR away from that site, especially if you have depression, ESPECIALLY if you have a history of being suicidal. Maybe you’ve struck lucky so far but the further in you go, the more batshit and toxic tumblr becomes.

      Maybe that’s true of anything.

      Be Well
      Ghosty

  11. Magdalena
    November 6, 2013 at 11:48 PM #

    Sorry for the long post. I was really triggered by the things you wrote and writing that helped me not cut. I hope I didn’t offend anyone. I realize it sounds like I think I’m better than you which isn’t true. I was just really, really upset. Sorry again if it sounds really horrible.

  12. paradox
    November 8, 2013 at 9:38 AM #

    1 – you’re spending too much on loo paper. Mine isn’t patterned, and it certainly isn’t perfumed.
    2- why does the way it hangs affect how you fold it? Surely you pull it off first, and then bring it in front of you to fold it neatly along the perforations (I may be a little bit – erm – anal about this specific bit).

  13. Mr Cellophane
    November 14, 2013 at 6:13 AM #

    You sum up what’s wrong with anal sex in terms of irrationality for the sake of pleasure. Please, please, would you mind humoring me? Can you spell out the irrationality of anal sex for me?

    I simply don’t think “Feces is universally gross, so it is obviously irrational,” is a satisfactory answer. I believe I could say the same statement about urine, but I still let my mouth come into contact with the areas that produce urine.

    To really make an argument of irrationality, as in action contrary to reason and rational thought, I do honestly think you would need to address details like health and safety and other truly “rational” concerns. Along this line, why do people go skydiving? There is a slight safety concern (a fair bit more than with anal sex, I’d venture to say), but many people get enough pleasure out of it to justify it.

    I am really, really curious about your differentiation between what FEELS good and what IS good. You say we can lose sight of what is good when our minds are clouded by what feels good.

    This sentiment has truth to it, for sure! But the better examples for this would be, say, I punch you because it feels good to get my anger out. Or I steal from you because it feels good to be wealthier. Or I lie to you about my drug use because it feels good to be high. These have identifiable moral consequences (the punching, the stealing, the lying all negatively impact another person). I have trouble seeing who the victim of the crime of anal sex is. *If you say “yourself,” I’d really like an explanation of the harm caused. If your answer is religious in nature, that’s okay. I’m curious about this belief of yours, and I’d rather you not beat around the bush.*

    Thanks!

    • Toma
      November 27, 2013 at 2:31 PM #

      It’s about objectivity, which (as I know you’ve read some of my other articles) is about God. Without God there is no objectivity, and truth is about whatever we want it to be about. So what feels good and what is good could be the same thing, or they could differ, depending on our culture, or our circumstance, or our peer group etc etc. In that case punching you is not good or bad, it just is, as morality ceases to exist. It would be like arresting a leopard for assault because it bit a zebra on the ass. In the absence of objectivity, good and bad cease to exist.

      Who it hurts however is worthy of its own article. I touched on something similar in some detail in the comments on the article titled “Is heterosexuality is a choice”.

      • mandilouwho?
        December 19, 2013 at 1:23 AM #

        This article does not make me uncomfortable just amused. One I agree only with the wet wipes and my family and me use them especially after every time we poop! Poop isn’t the problem its cleanliness and yes anal does feel good and is something me and my love have tried and do only on special occasions to change things up a bit and spice things up. Its a totally different awesome orgasm so knock it if you want but nothing bad has ever happened like poop on the penis or disease’, or death lol because we are clean and clean ourselves before and after and always have wipes near the bed. There isn’t even a bad smell because I am really particular about smells and cleanliness. People freak out to much about germs when hiding from them and using antibacterial everything just makes you more suseptable to sicknesses. Me and my brother never used antibacterial soaps or washed our hands obsessively and never get sick and when we do we do not use medicine just tea and eat and it goes fast barely affecting us. With my children we never sanitized bottles when we used them I did nurse but people bleach bottles and freak out about a passi on the floor and we just rinsed them out with hot water right away and reused them or used dish soap on some days and never did they get a thing only very healthy children. So sorry but germs don’t disgust or scare me just ignorance and yes if you have poop on your hand use some soap that simple, but we are still animal like when it comes to sex.

  14. theresa
    November 24, 2013 at 2:19 AM #

    Maybe I’m crazy, but I found this to be pretty funny. You are correct in that shit is gross and that wanting to seek pleasure in that area is pretty crazy. I read for enjoyment and am not easily offended or persuaded. I enjoyed this post. I found it funny. That does not not change the fact that I still enjoy my crazy sex life and believe that there is absolutely nothing wrong with homosexuality. I’m only saying that because someone posted that you were being homophobic… I didn’t catch that, but I could be wrong since I don’t know you at all. Lol!

    I don’t usually post to these things, but I guess today I am. As a licensed therapist, I also enjoyed your depression post. To a degree, I can see what you were trying to express. We have become a society of labels and we believe that they define us. We too often allow it to trap ourselves.

  15. Harold Ramis
    December 7, 2013 at 2:35 PM #

    “What you call individuality, I call subjectivity. Truth lies in universal objectivity.”
    There is no “good” or “bad” in universal objectivity, they are subjective. Anal sex is objectively not “bad”.

  16. Jeff Phillips (@shmeggley)
    January 14, 2014 at 10:07 AM #

    Yes poop is disgusting. Yes there’s a good biological reason for that. However not everyone is traumatized by the thought of getting it on them as you appear to be. It’s just poop man, it does wash off.

  17. fungima
    February 11, 2014 at 6:13 AM #

    You need to get a life
    You talk of toilet paper as if it were a life or death situation
    i for one don’t give a shit when it comes to overhand and underhand

  18. neazapphire
    May 19, 2014 at 3:24 AM #

    ‘DON’T AGREE WITH ME? TELL ME WHY. YOUR OPINION MATTERS.’

    I deduced, from several comments above that one easily misunderstands opinion with debate. Whether it is right or wrong, pleasurable or not pleasurable, healthy or unhealthy: as long as we continue thinking in polar terms about each other, global equanimity is but an imaginary wish.

    Please, let us change the way we address one another, especially in these virtual realms flooding with recycled opinions which end up not really being our own, or even worse, not when they are most needed. By insulting Toma, just in case you needed reminding, you make your own case duller precisely because you have no argument. Though it’s funny, since I see no debate, no argument, only people looking for some respect when giving none…

    The tone of the article is somewhat satirical. Let us not forget laughter is the key ingredient as well as product of all the good in life.

    ps. why don’t we all just go get shit faced!

    Namaste <3

  19. Laura Hogarth
    July 16, 2014 at 2:46 PM #

    Correct is not getting shit on your hand, If you’ve accomplished that then you’ve mastered toilet paper. You are a f*cked up man with opinions that you should seriously consider keeping to yourself.